We'll see how this plays out at work. Yesterday I felt drowsy, in the evening had a headache that was different than I normally have, and I felt disconnected all day. Not a bad feeling necessarily, just different. I did some research and found out that these are all normal startup side effects, and in a few days they should go away. Good, because I had a lot of trouble getting things done yesterday. Kept falling asleep on the couch.
So yeah, lets hope the effects go away soon because it'll be hard to get work done alone if I'm nodding off all day.

I'm having trouble beginning this post. Things have gotten pretty out of hand over the last few months, but it's nothing out of the ordinary. I can honestly say that I haven't felt really happy or connected to my life since I was very young. I never thought it was normal, but more a statement about the situation I was in or the life path I was taking. I thought that if I changed the situation my feelings would change. But they never did for long.
I knew something was up my second year at Rockhurst, when I didn't call parents back or do the things I needed to do in order to keep my job. When I left there the floor dropped out, and I became unsure if I could ever be successful.
Somehow I made it through grad school, but even then times were hard - money issues and struggles with a new daughter sometimes turned things very dark in my head. I can remember feeling like I was caught inside myself, unable to make any changes to help. Most of the time I dug myself into a hole by not paying attention or following through.
So last summer I decided to start talking to someone again. Talking helped to process my work and my family situations, and it made me think harder about the way I was approaching everything, me being in charge of my behaviors. It didn't help me get to it.
A few months ago I was sitting at my desk at work and realized, that aside from talking to a client and being in a team meeting, I had been sitting at the desk the whole day, and hadn't done a single thing. I started to think that there may be something else going on, that it wasn't just a motivational issue with me or not having follow through.
I started to talk with my therapist about how medications might help and also told her how hesitant I was to take them, after the experiences of my brother and mother, who have both been medicated since the 90's.
So I made an appointment and went to a psychiatrist on Friday. He listened to my complaints and gave me several inventories to fill, and in the end told me I had Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and severe Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder - Inattentive type. And just as quickly he told me he wanted to start me on an anti-depressant and in three weeks start me on an ADHD medication. And I left the office stunned.
I knew I had had those things for a long time. I work with clients who live with it everyday. But here was an official diagnosis and a prescription. Why hadn't I done this sooner? Why did I let my life become so unmanageable for me and the people around me?
As I talked with my wife that night I broke down into tears as I thought of all the choices that had been made for me due to just not paying attention or being depressed. The choices that are still being made by me that affect my relationships and my work.
So yesterday I stepped into another new ocean. I took my first 10mg of Lexapro. I'm aware that I won't notice a change for a few weeks maybe, but I already notice, just from the reality of getting a diagnosis and a prescription, that my outlook on things has changed and that I can handle this.
This blog is going to be my daily journey living with and recovering from depression and ADHD.

And Begin Again.

Only once in two years, well that sounds about right.

The past few weeks have put me back into a space where I feel that this is a necessity.

Writing should be a way to release and analyze whats going on . It should be a place to document and keep accountable. So that's where we are with this right now. It is a new ocean. I always get right to the edge of the shore and think about touching my toe, but then get scared by the idea of how cold it could be, and sometimes by how much I could potentially like being in the water.

So there. Welcome back.

There's Always A First Time

This is not a New Year's Resolution.

In fact, New Year's has historically been a time that I've not started things. I didn't start working out one year. I didn't take a class another. I didn't get caught up on all my bills in yet another. I could keep this up for a while. I have a fear that others might look at what I'm doing and think I'm one of those people who make resolutions and then give up after a week. So I don't start.

But not starting or finishing things has been a common thread throughout most of my life. Is it too many ideas or too little effort? Is it not enough discipline or not enough drive?

Today I'm going to start to find out. There's always a first time, so why shouldn't it be now?